The Empowered Woman

Empowering people requires patience, compassion and also techniques to make it possible to bypass the conscious mind with it's chatter chatter chatter...

Unaddressed trauma from the past blocks the ability to accept new information. It is the power of the fight-flight-freeze-fawn response.

Don't blame people for resisting helpful information. Empower them by using effective techniques 💪

Don't be quick to judge people for having not succeeded in helping someone who is struggling. It is not that easy to bring about change in another human being 🙏

You may be wondering why non-communicable health conditions are through the roof these days.

You don't have to be sitting duck 🦆 🦆 waiting for disaster to strike. There is a lot you can do to help yourself.

✍️ Educate yourself. Take charge of your life. Analyze your life holistically, not just one thing. Don't say that you are okay because you eat clean. What about everything else?

Monitor your health and well-being and keep records. When you experience unusual reactions, note what you could be reacting to. By being observant, you will begin to see patterns. Always remind yourself that your health and well-being is 100% your responsibility 👌

Do you know that practices and situations you never thought of as being capable of harming your health could actually be the reason why your health is not great?

√ Fluoride in drinking water and in toothpastes

√ Ingredients such as titanium dioxide, triclosan, etc., in personal care products such as toothpastes, soaps, etc., could cause issues such as disrupting your hormones.

√ Some water pipes and storage tanks especially those serving old buildings might be covered in rust.

√ Teeth fillings that are not in good shape hence releasing heavy metals into the body could contribute to heavy metal toxicity.

√ Some tattoo ink can release heavy metals such as lead, cadmium and mercury into the body.

√ Some foreign materials in the body such as breast implants, metals used to repair bone fractures, etc. could lead to allergies, heavy metal toxicity, weakening of the bones and much more.

√ Some types of toothpaste, mouth washes as well as antacid and antibiotic medications can kill both bad as well as healthy bacteria in the body.

√ Deficiencies caused by a body organ having been surgically removed or that are side effects of medications such as those that block absorption of vitamin B12, magnesium, coenzyme Q10, etc. Having a body organ surgically removed can save your life but make sure to find out what you need to be supplementing after that.

√ Additives in your favorite foods that come packaged in boxes or bottles. Do you carefully read the list of ingredients and research those that you don’t understand?

√ Being sedentary/lack of regular exercise

√ Failure to get regular exposure to fresh air and sunshine and other lifestyle choices that you ignore, may be behind your health struggles.

Heavy metals and pesticides could trigger multiple health problems that include but are not limited to gut problems, dehydration, nutritional deficiencies, hormone disruption, weight gain, abnormal heartbeats, organ damage, miscarriage, autoimmune conditions, cancer and much more.

There are lots of conveniences that come with civilization but they can have a downside as well.

✍️ Educate yourself so that you are able to make informed decisions. It is not all doom and gloom.

I have been asked a question about how I turned my mental health around.

I was diagnosed with depression in my 30s. I had diverse struggles including in my parenting, interpersonal relationships, managing resources such as time and money and so much more. Here is my story: https://nation.africa/kenya/life-and-style/living/the-deep-dark-hole-of-depression--565394

I sought help from diverse places and felt misunderstood, not listened to, judged, looked down upon and all manner of mishandling. No one did comprehensive history taking, apart from one psychiatric facility which really impressed me only for that history to not be of help in management (it was used to rule that I would be on antidepressant medications for the rest of my life).

I would like to give credit where credit is due. In my journey to get help, one individual gave me a listening ear and encouraged me greatly. He stood out from the many different professionals I sought help from. His name is Dr. Frank Njenga, a well known psychiatrist based in Nairobi, Kenya. He did not judge and dismiss me as many did.

My mom, my daughter and I had been diagnosed with depression and put on antidepressant medications. My daughter was put on antidepressant medications at age 12 (I have shared more about her story on a post about fungal infections on this wall. Please read more about her story. Please also read information on this wall about the relationship between gut health and depression).

Needless to say, I didn't really get helped. I eventually dived deep into research in an effort to learn to help myself. I started learning lots of important information and started to help myself. I was able to turn my health around.

I had been told by doctors that depression in our family was genetic, something which was not true at all. A lot of depression is not genetic, something I have learned through doing comprehensive history taking in my professional work. Health conditions are ruled to be genetic without proof.

I wondered why none of the people I sought help from addressed the real issues when working with me. Had I simply been wasting my time and money as I sought help?

I was able to gradually turn my health around. I was also able to turn my situation around in the different areas I had been struggling in (emotional stability, management of resources, interpersonal relationships, parenting, ability to earn money and manage finances and much more).

I got motivated to invest in relevant trainings so that I could help others professionally, something I have been doing for years as a trained and certified transformational life coach.

With time and after acquiring experience, I started training transformational life coaches. A number of them are practicing already and I continue to train more. The work of helping people to turn their lives around is massive.

Please feel free to check out details of my services on the pinned post on this wall. Go through the information and ask questions as they arise.

Rose was sitting down at her desk going through her business records. She and her 2 employees were idle at the moment. Business was a bit slow this season but she was not complaining. All businesses have both low and high seasons.

Rose leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes. No matter how much she tried to deny it, she was a lonely woman.

She opened the shop until 8.00 p.m. even when business was slow. She didn't want to admit to herself that she was avoiding to go home early because her house was lonely.

She had long moved out of the bedsitter where she start life afresh after leaving her marriage. She liked the quiet and peaceful neighborhood where she currently lived.

She had developed a quick temper and was quick to lash out at people especially employees. The staff turnover at her business was worrying her.

She had recently enrolled in an inner transformation program after getting diagnosed with depression. The more she worked on herself, the more uncomfortable stuff came to the surface.

Rose sat there replaying in her mind the moment she went to her sister Eunice complaining about her marriage. She was sobbing as she narrated to Eunice how unhappy she was in the marriage.

Eunice had been triggered by the venting, heaping all blame on her brother in law, explaining about narcissism and how terrible it is to be married to a narcissist.

Eunice had mobilized two of their sisters. They had come to their sister's rescue, rented a bedsitter for Rose and set up a business selling ladies' second hand clothes for her. They told her over and over again that they were rescuing her from the narcissist husband.

Rose left her 3 young children - all below age 10 - with her husband. Rose remembered how her husband had tried to get her back but was met with hostility and chased away. His name had been damaged in their circles, all blame for the failed marriage heaped on him.

With time, he initiated divorce proceedings and got custody of the children. Rose got visitation rights.

It was now years down the road and Rose was on treatment for depression, the diagnosis that started her journey to seeking professional help.

She was working with a professional who was leaving no stone unturned, beginning with a comprehensive journey to heal from her childhood baggage.

As Rose worked on herself, she started getting insight about the way both she and her ex husband had contributed to an unhealthy relationship dynamics. All along she had thought that she was a good woman who was married to a narcissist 😢

It slowly dawned on her that she threw away her marriage of 10+ years unnecessarily. Her children were growing up with their dad and a step mother, something that could have been avoided.

She wondered why she waited for so long to seek professional help. Had she invested in the right kind of help before quitting her marriage, she could have made different choices.

Rose felt something warm on her cheek. She realized that she was crying....

I would like to begin with a basic understanding of human behavior. That will enable us to look at struggling human beings from a point of understanding rather than blaming. Once we have an idea that people don't choose to have behavior struggles, looking at issues without getting emotionally charged will be easier.

There is a root cause to every behavior, in most cases the family of origin. No one wakes up one day and decides to be a certain way. Every individual was largely programmed by prenatal, perinatal and postnatal factors.

It takes self awareness to rise above behavior challenges and not everyone has it. There are many people who have resigned to fate, believing that their fate is sealed. Others believe that it is all their fault, that they are bad people, always making bad choices.

Lack of awareness is also why many people are judgmental, have no compassion on other imperfect human beings, say things such as; "I can't forgive... I won't forgive..."

What we are is shaped largely by the following factors:

√ Prenatal factors (what happens in the womb e.g. substances the mother took while expectant, emotions she experienced e.g. anger, fear, terror, rage, grief, etc.) Are we aware that there are medications that have black box warning in countries such as USA because they cause violence in children whose mothers were on them while pregnant? Are we aware about studies that link some cases of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) in children to use by expectant mothers of some common pain medication that is sold over the counter? Are we aware that many medications come with a warning that safety during pregnancy has not been proven?

Do we know that some people who are affected by prenatal factors are born already condemned to be violent? Others were predisposed to behavior struggles right from the womb because their mothers regretted the pregnancy and wished death to the babies they were carrying. Some cases of rejection have roots in the emotions the expectant mothers went through and prayers they prayed in their hearts.

√ Perinatal factors (circumstances around the birth process such as prolonged labour, birth injuries, etc.) Some babies fall down at the time of birth and some mothers deliver alone, unaided or aided by people who have no clue what to do or not do. Our healthcare services are still wanting plus some mothers still deliver at home.

√ Postnatal factors (mainly what happens the first 7 years of life, before the ability to question or analyze things sets in). These are factors such as loss of a parent through separation and/or divorce, death, etc., child abuse/neglect/maltreatment, exposure to violence in the home, neighborhood, etc., a parent who battled chronic illness, parents who were physically or emotionally unavailable, parents who lacked parenting skills, children being entrusted with parenting other children, substance abuse in the family, a family member who was in prison or involved in crime, etc.

I no longer rush to blame any human being for his/her behavior struggles. I look at struggling human beings from the point of view of "what happened to you?", rather than "what is wrong with you?"

Struggling individuals need guidance to do comprehensive history taking in order to get to the root cause of their struggles. They need to begin by understanding how they turned out the way they did. Self compassion is very important. Many don't understand why they are the way they are, they need help to understand where they are coming from so that they take charge of their lives.

Unfortunately, most people blame, criticize, mock, make fun of, belittle and gossip about struggling human beings, making their struggles worse. Human beings don't simply choose to be a certain way, they are shaped by diverse factors.

My prayer is that mental and psychological health services in this nation will be improved. Many people rush to demonize dysfunctional adult children and view parents as victims yet in a lot of cases parents who have not healed from their own baggage or who lack parenting skills damage the children they raise. Those children grow up unhealthy and damage their own children and the cycle continues. The parents were damaged by factors beyond them and because they were not self aware, they went on to damage their children as well.

Upbringing plays a very important role in determining the way an individual turns out. For example, critical life skills are instilled from a young age through upbringing. People don't acquire life skills in childhood only to lose them as adults. If they don't have them as adults, they didn't have them all along. There were gaps in their parenting.

In a nutshell, emotional and/or behavior struggles have roots in prenatal, perinatal and postnatal factors, it is normally not about here and now. People don't simply develop struggles in adulthood. What you are observing now are simply symptoms of multigenerational problems.

That is why seeking help from people who don't have the capacity to understand the roots of such struggles and to successfully uproot them does not bring about lasting results.

To effectively work with people to transform their lives, the first step is comprehensive history taking in order to identify the root cause. This needs to be followed by use of proven tools and techniques to bring about lasting transformation. Problems need to be addressed from the roots rather than addressing the symptoms/here and now.

Respect other people's boundaries, even when you think that the choices they have made are not exactly the best. Trying to take over another person's life is a boundary problem.

Lots of discussions about cosmetic surgery on these streets...

Understanding Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

You get triggered, lose your cool and lash out. You feel ashamed of the way you handled the issue so you avoid the person, even if he or she happens to be part of your support systems.

You get triggered, lose your cool and hit the other party. You can't forgive yourself so you take the self destruction route such as using alcohol to numb yourself.

Relationships die because of your unhealed state and you end up isolated.

Are you in pain because someone hurt you, maybe a romantic partner? Much as you would want to focus on other people and what they have done to you, the reality is that the life experiences that we go through are attracted by our internal magnet.

The power to determine the quality of your relationships is within you. Yes, you can shed the victim mentality and take charge of your life, take responsibility for your results in all areas of life, including relationships.

This is the time to prove that the belief that ‘people with good hearts attract people who use them’ is false. Two people who are challenged in different ways attract each other, like a magnet attracting a metal.

Two unhealed individuals fit into each other like a hand and glove. Other people are simply actors in a script they did not create.

Your energy fields are your point of attraction, your internal magnet. You can change the quality of the experiences you go through by changing your internal magnet.

You attach to people in an unhealthy way in relationships simply because your point of attraction is your wounds so you end up attracting other wounded people. That is what it means that unhealed wounds attract flies. Don't focus on blaming the flies.

The thoughts one repeats to themselves over and over again throughout life are driven by one’s programming. It is possible to go through life telling yourself that you are not worthy or capable of success. You convince yourself that you don’t deserve better.

Many people have an inner parent or inner critic voice that is in reality not one’s own voice but the voice of the people who controlled one as a child. “You can’t do it… You are not good enough… Who do you think you are? You are not as good as your brother/sister… It is not doable...”

One’s programming is like a record. It just keeps on playing over and over again, unless the individual puts in the work to change that programming.

This explains why people try to run away from the quality of life in their families of origin, but the struggle is like that of a tethered animal. They can only go so far before they are back to the familiar standard of life.

They achieve some level of success that sets them apart from the standards they are used to then they lose it and end up back in the same standards. The human brain keeps us safe by treating familiar as safe and unfamiliar as dangerous. Unfamiliar needs to be got rid of at all costs.

Someone grew up in poverty. He does well financially for some time then loses the money and drops back to the familiar financial struggle.

Sometimes the loses are due to bad decisions while in other cases it is due to circumstances beyond the control of the individual such as market collapse, natural disasters, change in technology, etc. The internal magnet is powerful!

Someone grew up in a broken home. She grows up and falls in love, gets into a relationship that seems all perfect only for the relationship to fall apart and she ends up raising her children in a broken home just as happened to her.

Some people end up single as a result of factors beyond their control such as death of the spouse. What is unfamiliar has to be got rid of at whatever cost...

Healthy boundaries in marriage

Two distinct individuals come together in marriage. What does this mean? It means that each of them is complete before coming into a relationship with another person.

Each partner has his/her own:

✓ Thoughts
✓ Opinions
✓ Ideas and creativity
✓ Feelings
✓ Behaviors
✓ Values and belief systems
✓ Circles and networks
✓ Hobbies
✓ Career

These are things that one cannot take from another. If you do not like any of these things in your partner, then you need to communicate your concerns. Be open to making peace with your partner's individual boundaries.

To build healthy relationships, one needs life skills such as communication, negotiation, persuasion, conflict resolution, decision making, ability to establish healthy boundaries, etc.

In a marital relationship, the two people who come together in marriage have each been shaped by very unique factors. It is therefore not possible for the two of them to agree with each other about everything.

Life skills enable them to cede ground in some areas and to respect diversity in others. A healthy relationship is one where people are able to accommodate each other. If it is either your way or the highway, critical life skills are lacking.

Do you know that some of the things you would want to change in your partner are actually just the way you were programmed from a young age?

"My mother has always fried fish this way so it is either this way or the highway...."

Do you know that what you know as a result of what you have been exposed to is a very small percentage of the possibilities? Putting another human being under pressure to change from who they are and become a certain way is unrealistic.

Doing that is a sign of poor boundaries, driven by the fight-flight-freeze-fawn (trauma) response. It ends up being abuse and violation.

It is even better to speak up before the two commit to the relationship rather than keeping quiet only to try to change the partner afterwards. Trying to control areas in one's partner that are governed by individual boundaries = ABUSE

Recognizing that some of the things you would want to change in your partner are actually just the way you are programmed from a young age = self-awareness.

"I am not going to allow you to continue with that career… those religious beliefs and practices… that place of worship…. that friendship…. that hobby…. those networks…”

Look within. Investing in self-awareness is very important. You probably want your partner to be a certain way so that either you feel good or you look good in the eyes of people around you.

Do you know that there really is nothing wrong with your partner being different from you or from what is acceptable in your circles? What you need is self-awareness so that you can respect boundaries.

The fact that inability to establish healthy boundaries has roots in trauma responses means that being able to accept and respect diversity comes with healing from one’s baggage.

"The people around me when I was growing up were all self employed and portrayed a negative attitude towards formal employment. It is really not that formal employment is wrong..."

A healthy romantic relationship is governed by interdependence, not codependency, not independence. That means that both partners have a healthy sense of self and don’t need to try and use the other party to boost their sense of self-worth.

The two feel worthy as individuals and each is not defined by the other party. They don’t get their individual boundaries enmeshed, don’t lose themselves in the relationship.

The two individuals continually work on their relationship and by doing that, they cede ground and meet each other halfway.

Making a relationship between two adults to work well requires diverse life skills. It therefore helps to invest in professional help in order for each to understand themselves and understand the partner.

Life skills enable you to be open to learning new things. You understand that there is so much you don't know so you don't try to act as though your way is the universal truth.

Being self aware enables you to respect diversity, to listen to the other party with an open mind, not feel threatened by unfamiliar things, be open to researching about and learning new things and respecting another person's boundaries.

Healthy boundaries protect both parties and make healthy relationships possible. The ability to establish healthy boundaries and communicate them effectively are some of the critical life skills that a healthy relationship is built on.

Critical life skills are very important. They form the foundation of a healthy relationship. If they are lacking, the relationship is going to be a mess.

We have to live with the reality that 8 or 9 people out of 10 lack self-awareness. People who have invested in self-awareness are the exception rather than the norm.

If you take offense every time people focus their life camera on you based on their level of perception, life becomes too burdensome. Constantly remind yourself that you have no capacity to control another person's level of growth - or lack of it. None of us does.

Only a healthy person can establish healthy boundaries and respect the boundaries of others. Therefore, an individual who lacks self-awareness saying that you are bad for establishing healthy boundaries is what is expected.

Everyone who establishes healthy boundaries gets that resistance from those who have no capacity to understand boundaries. It is normal to experience resistance as you establish boundaries.

Focus on you and what is in your power to control. Shine your light and keep moving. Forgive quickly. Don't hold grudges.

Allowing your emotions to get entangled in another person's level of understanding will only hurt you. The other party is very comfortable being at that level. They have nothing to lose. Be in control of you.

You don’t rush to cut people off left, right, front and centre simply because they don't see things your way, of course unless they are a threat to your existence.

You understand that you have been shaped by unique factors and so have they. You are all unique human beings. Healthy boundaries make clear what areas you share and those that you do not.

Let me share my experience. I have been on the personal development journey for 20+ years. That journey has seen me shed layer upon layer of programming and I continue to shed more. I am continually learning new things, growing and evolving.

What do you think happens when I discard a belief or practice that was programmed in us and taken as the gospel truth maybe in the family or other close circles?

Of course, those who have not invested in self-awareness (and they are the majority) become judgmental, make cutting remarks hoping that I get the message, gossip about me, sideline me, etc., in an effort to save me from the way that is different from the one they know.

Do not panic because of the resistance to boundaries. When you don't react to triggers, the relationships gradually become healthier. If however both of you hurt each other such as by exchanging hurtful words, blocking each other, complaining about each other to other people, etc., then the other party feels good that you too are guilty. It is a draw.

Take charge of the situation by exercising self-control and refraining from getting drawn into reacting to triggers. When you do that, those people who conduct themselves in an unhealthy way feel bad afterwards about the way they acted. They may even try to make amends.

Human beings grow when they are challenged, not when things are easy. Embrace the opportunity to get challenged so that you can learn and become better. Challenges don't necessarily come to destroy you. Accept them as part of life.

Human beings experience life challenges so that they can grow. It may take time for some people’s eyes to open to that fact but if you maintain healthy boundaries in all your interaction with them, you will empower them without struggling to convince them that they need help.

Allow your light to illuminate the path of others around you. Don’t struggle to convince them. Don't belittle them or try to show them that you are better than them.

Don’t lower yourself to their level. Don't fuel the fires by getting your emotions awakened and entangled. That is what fuels the dysfunctions in relationships.

When you get angry, storm out of venues in anger, rush to block people, cry, shout, threaten, play victim (and the way I did a,b,c,d for you...), etc., you fuel the fires. Your wounds get deeper and the relationship becomes worse.

Do not give people who lack self-awareness the reaction they are looking for. Stabilize your ship when the storms of unhealthy communication rage.

Breathe in and out then ask yourself why exactly it hurt. What within you needs to heal because healed scars don’t hurt? What is the underlying issue?

Triggers are teachers. Be grateful for the opportunity to learn and become a better person.

As you work on yourself and become healthier, you will be able to make a shift in the way you focus your life camera, to have improved boundaries rather than very tight boundaries that shuts out everyone who holds a different view from you. You will be able to respect diversity. It will no longer be either your way or the highway.

Many people learn the hard way that cutting off everyone during good times comes back to bite during difficult phases of life such as when one loses the source of income, gets seriously ill, is bereaved, their house or business is vandalized or burns down, etc.

Learn the lessons during good times rather than waiting to learn during difficult times. Human beings are relational beings. We all need other people even though they don't see things exactly the way we do.

Separation consciousness does great damage to relationships, to communities, to nations and to the world at large. Intolerance does not exactly make the world a better place for all of us.

Understanding Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs).