Kat J Toler, Life Coach

When did you realize being honest with yourself was going to be the start of your healing? ❤️‍🩹

The biggest challenge is learning to admit where we’ve lied to ourselves, and ripping away the bandaids of that dishonesty.

I can’t believe I’m just seven weeks away from reopening my coaching practice. I have missed working with my clients SO much!!

This year has moved so much faster than I expected, but I suppose completing 12 senior-level classes in 12 months while maintaining a 4.0 GPA will do that!

I cannot wait to get back to my passion and purpose of serving women who are motivated to create real change and deep healing. Starting in January, I will have a fresh set of coaching options for y'all, including a faith-based track!

The Emotional Alchemy group is returning, and I’ll open a small number of one-on-one spots for women working through trauma and attachment patterns that have caused conflict in their lives and relationships.

If this is something you’ve been telling yourself you need, stay close. You can inbox me or comment here if you want to be notified when details drop. 🫶🏽

People will talk about you. People will judge you. No matter how much you try to do the right thing, you’ll fail to even know what that is at times. You’ll do your best and still make a mess of things.

You’ll make even bigger messes trying to correct your mistakes and you’ll experience embarrassment, regret, shame, and guilt.

Life is not a cake walk for any of us. These are not experiences anyone avoids in life. It’s not just you, love. We’ve all been there more times than most people will ever admit. ❤️🙏🏼

Aren’t you tired of being angry? Aren’t you exhausted from losing control? Haven’t you damaged or ruined enough relationships?

Do you really want to die this mad? I know there’s pain under the aggression. I know this world has never made you feel safe.

A lot has happened to you. You did the best you could to survive it all and it molded you into a hairpin trigger.

I get it and on behalf of life, I’m sorry you’ve been dealt those blows.

But your suffering can be over at any point because now you’re doing it to yourself. Your thoughts are the keeper of your emotions and you are the keeper of your thoughts.

Self mastery is a journey and I’ve got the road map, but you have to decide to learn how to read and follow it in order to find the path to your intended destination.

You have to CHOOSE peace.

God created you with the capacity to be everything you choose. Why not choose to be loving, kind and gentle? Why not choose to be understanding and accepting? To be forgiving?

Why not start by being those things to yourself?

Why not also choose to be powerful in ways that have nothing to do with ego or self importance?

Instead of living in our greatness, we create the inner demons that we fight, and then we keep them close.

Then instead of healing, we find someone to blame for the hurt we've endured, sometimes even when we caused it ourselves.

We do that because keeping the hurt and pairing it with anger at whoever hurt us is more comfortable to us than risking being happy and having something to lose - a height to fear falling from.

You see, hurt and anger are two things no one can ever take away from us so they're easy, but we let people steal our joy because maintaining it is hard...

We give our peace and happiness away without blinking an eye. We are scared to hold them tight because they aren't familiar to us - at least not as familiar as the pain - so we let them go.

This is the pattern God wants to deliver you from and the reason He gave you the freedom of choice. Choose differently. It's your greatest power.

Space between individuals can be good, especially during critical junctures when there is significant change taking place within one or both of them, or between them. There is sometimes an importance to "breaks" in connections... time apart to reflect, regroup, grow, and truly appreciate the other person's presence.

I understand the fear that separation may cause the other person to decide they like their life better without you in it... but if that's the case, you’ll never find belonging there.

Seeing what it's like to not have someone in your life after having them in your life will let you know if your life is missing something without them now that you know what the experience is with them.

This is likely the thought process for the quotes, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it never was," and, "You never know what you have until it's gone." Until a person has a break from someone, they don't truly know that person's value in their lives.

Most importantly, you'll know how vital that person is (or isn’t) to your life as you compare the two experiences... this also gives you clarity on whether you want to reconnect and continue sharing space with that person.

You need a chance to choose each other again, at least once, in a major way. Not just the, "I woke up today and continued to love you," kind of sentiment... but truly understanding what is missing when that other person isn't around and choosing them because life is better with them in it.

I read a meme that said, ”You don’t have to be fully healed before you let someone in, or give and receive love again.”

There may be no such thing as “fully healed” … if you are waiting to feel ready, you’ll always be waiting because life is always going to either uncover old wounds or create new ones.

We are sooooo concerned with becoming less triggered, which is ironic since the triggers simply exist to make us more aware. We notice the triggers yet we reject the awareness, and have the nerve to say we know ourselves.

We're descending into an abyss of options and indecisiveness, hiding our hearts behind fake laughs and the lie that the things that matter most don't matter at all.

Humans are getting more broken by the day and it’s destructive the way we avoid the one thing that heals us the most - each other.

When you have learned to cope with your brokenness without knowing how to set yourself up for healing, eventually you’ll find that part of you is warped and causing pain you can’t relieve.

Sometimes you wonder why you're going through hell again but keep in mind the only way to fix some damage is to allow it to break again and reset it to intentionally heal.

Without doing this you may never function properly.

There's a difference between unconditional love and perpetual alignment. Unconditional love does not mean unconditional support of actions, nor does it mean unconditional participation with a person who is somehow abusive.

My love does not come with conditions. My presence does.

The unconditional love I have for myself will always guide my decisions when choosing who to share my space with, but there is no love I've ever offered that I've taken back or discontinued even when connections have been severed.

There are reasons people WILL distance themselves even if they love you without conditions. Presence is not a condition of love because unconditional love does not require self-sacrifice.

Don't confuse unconditional love with unconditional acceptance. I will protect myself as necessary no matter how much my heart bleeds for you as I walk away.

When you are getting to know someone, their words create a reasonable expectation of the actions that are to follow. Stop being hesitant to hold people accountable for the expectations they have set.

You would rather spend your time observing and assuming than to ask direct questions because you don't want to make someone feel pressured? How has this worked out for you in previous situations? Perhaps it's time to switch up your approach.

It's perfectly reasonable to address a person's inconsistencies. "Hey, you said this, but then you did that. Can you give me some clarity on how you believe these things match, or explain what changed between what you told me and what you decided to do?"

Stop accepting things you know you don't want. Being direct is not being pushy. It's ensuring that intentions are clear, and you deserve that.

Never stay with someone who does all the things you don't like just because they also do all the things you love. Never stay with someone who is everything you don't want just because they are also everything you do want. There is always someone else who will do all the things and be all the things you love, without bringing so much trauma, confusion, and uncertainty with them.

Just because certain people become part of your story does not mean your story ends with them. Move forward, releasing into your past all the things that you didn't mean to or didn't know better than to write into your story. You can't erase them, but you can leave them behind to switch directions and find a new companion for your journey.

Take the time to know and love yourself. You will realize that you'll never settle for lower than your own frequency. If you're with someone, it's because you match/compliment them. Heal yourself and I promise you'll find a higher place... Perhaps they'll be willing to heal, too, and meet you in that space.

Keep pushing forward until you reach the frequency that feels good to your soul. It's there if you're brave enough to believe it. Never settle for unwillingness. Someone will be as willing as you are.

The worst mistakes I ever made were almost always when I was trying to dodge accountability and/or escape the consequences of my actions.

Face yourself once so you don’t have to resist facing yourself every day for the rest of your life.