Jenny Eats The World

Just oozing in gratitude this morning.

Lucky to be alive, despite the times I’ve put myself in danger.

Happy to be happy, between depression and anger.

Honored to be able to teach, leading students of all ages and abilities.

Humbled and sober, ready to start over.

Giddy that I get to move in less than a month, buzzed with anticipation and filled with love.

I can’t thank you all enough:

Those who are wishing me well, who want to see me succeed. This kind of positivity is a direct reflection of YOU! As when you’re genuinely excited for someone else, it means you are secure with yourself.

I may get nervous or anxious or filled with doubt, but there’s one emotion I live without :

Jealousy.

Sure, I would like to have more money and a partner and a smaller waist, but I don’t waste a single moment wanting something from someone else. I’m overly occupied working on myself.

And I know that we ALL have issues we’re pacifying behind the scene (behind the screen). So I’m going to go after my goals despite my woes, and I’ll die trying.

Cause that’s the thing about this life. It’s too short to wonder what it would be like for it to look different. Wishing is wasteful. Change is inevitable. And if you want things to change for the better, you better be formidable.

Take responsibility for your life, with an inventory of what’s working and where you get stuck.

For every hour you put into trying you all, you may just be granted a second of luck 🍀

5.5 ✨

80 days clean and sober today

1 month until my move

The first and last time I visited the Big City, I was overwhelmed and in a world of my own, preoccupied with preconceptions of NYC and of what people thought of me.

Today, I give very little care about other’s opinions, as the only person who needs to believe in my worth is myself. As I stand in my power, it’s evident that others start to see (or reject) what I emit: a sober mind of focus and confidence.

New York hasn’t always been my first pick, but when I started listening to the hints, the signs were obvious.

I am in a period of my life where I crave hustle and growth, seeking a city of individuals.

I wouldn’t have the capacity to navigate New York while under the influence, and now - as a sober person - the East Coast pace looks so, so attractive.

I can thank my program, my sponsor, my family and friends for supporting this decision. And like this photo I took during my first and last time in Manhattan - God’s pointing me in one direction:

Towards challenge,
with passion,
via trust,
and inspired action

✈️ @ New York, New York

I spent the past week in the West Bottoms, watching a pit mix named Luna who was fearless on the streets and restless anytime I tried to stretch or meditate in her owner’s studio apartment.

The Bottoms are a little surreal- a time capsule of deserted, dilapidated and renovated buildings preserving blocks of brick separated by train tracks.

What was more surreal to me last week was attending an college roommate’s wedding - my first major event as a sober person. I was anxious not because of my club soda in hand, but because of the reunion of old teammates I had once left behind when I decided to drop out of the swim team and finish with a semester in Italy my senior year. At the time, it was decision of my life.

While everyone around me had a ring and baby or a bump in expectation to start a family, I sat alone for my 20ish wedding as a single gal.

“What’s up with me you ask?”

“In a month from now, I’m taking my life by two suitcases and taking a one way flight to the coast”

Then I’d take another sip of my sparkling water, which later changed to Sprite, and left after dancing with some rowdy Aunts before an Irish Goodbye (still my thing whether or not I’m drinking).

I feel extremely lucky that I’m in a position of my life where I can pick up everything and leave, to start a new and pursue my dreams.

Yes, I want a husband and kids and a home and a dog to call my own. But I want a career that fulfills my purpose more than anything and such things take risks, willingness and grit.

I was willing to give up drugs and alcohol- making this move is the next big thing.

42 days remain 🛫 @ West Bottoms

ѕтσяу ѕαℓє❣️

ɪ ᴀᴍ ᴍᴏᴠɪɴɢ ᴀᴄʀᴏꜱꜱ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛʀʏ ᴀɴᴅ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴍᴜꜱᴛ ɢᴏ! ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ɴᴏᴛ ᴀ ᴅʀɪʟʟ!

ᴀꜱ ɪ ᴄᴏɴꜱᴏʟɪᴅᴀᴛᴇ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪɴᴛᴏ ᴀ ꜱᴜɪᴛᴄᴀꜱᴇ, ꜱᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ ᴍʏ ᴠᴇɴᴛᴜʀᴇ ʙʏ ʙᴜʏɪɴɢ ᴍʏ ꜱᴛᴜꜰꜰ :)

ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ’ꜱ ꜱᴀʟᴇ ɪꜱ ᴡᴏᴍᴇɴ’ꜱ ᴄʟᴏᴛʜɪɴɢ ꜱɪᴢᴇꜱ ꜱ-ʟ. ᴍᴏʀᴇ ꜱʜᴏᴇꜱ, ᴀᴄᴄᴇꜱꜱᴏʀɪᴇꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ʜᴏᴍᴇ ɪᴛᴇᴍꜱ ᴛᴏ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ.

ᴀʟʟ ɪᴛᴇᴍꜱ ᴀʀᴇ $10.
ʙᴜɴᴅʟᴇꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ʜᴀᴄᴋʟɪɴɢ ᴡᴇʟᴄᴏᴍᴇᴅ.
ᴅᴍ ꜰᴏʀ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴅᴇᴛᴀɪʟꜱ ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ɪᴛᴇᴍꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ꜱᴛᴀʏ ᴛᴜɴᴇᴅ ꜰᴏʀ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴅᴇᴛᴀɪʟꜱ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜɪꜱ ᴍᴀᴊᴏʀ ʟɪꜰᴇ ᴅᴇᴄɪꜱɪᴏɴ.

❣️❣️

check story for items ~
Cash or Venmo

runner’s high:

- preparation
- a bumpin playlist
- & the right state of mind

I cried when I crossed the finish line, as I never would’ve started training for this race if I continued to party and smoke w**d. Swapping synthetic drugs for natural endorphins was the best thing for me in early sobriety. And thankfully, I had my family running and cheering along - fit fam going strong 💪🏼

This half has convinced me that you can literally do ANYTHING you set your mind to.

Next up: keep crushing my goals and making moves.

Race energy is unlike any other and I’m still in shock of my splits… trading raves for runs was a great decision as there’s no vibe quite like dogs and hot dads cheering you on with their cute kids. What a way to live up the weekend 🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️

“If you rarely or never offend anyone, you’re probably not being honest or authentic or verbal about your opinions.”

I shared this thought during the topic of people pleasing last night at a recovery meeting.

People pleasing for me has looked like attention seeking through showing off how smart and accomplished I was, running my mouth a millions miles a minute without giving anyone else a second to breathe between these one-way conversations.

Reflecting on this cripples me. I still hold shame for the ways I used to be - all talk with a sway in my walk while I was high every second of every day, too caught up in my head to be humbled by those who were gracious enough to sit through my rambling.

Today, I work on staying authentic and open while being OK if I offend people, as it’s *not my problem* if what I say rubs you the wrong way.

Direction and intent is key 🔑

For example, I could say:

“I’m a loser as a user” and offend people who are using drugs as they reflect on a statement about myself.

Or I could be offensive by saying:

“Users are losers.” Which could be true but also kinda mean.

You know what I mean?

There’s a difference between being offensive and offending others, and it’s all in the motive and way of which you direct your diction.

Keep it real, friends ✌️

With much love from a recovering addict, bulimic, and people pleaser 😛

I attended a topic meeting this week which covered the inevitable turbulence of life despite choosing to live in sobriety. As being clean doesn’t mean we can control a thing, and that doing our best doesn’t prevent bad luck from happening.

I’ve gotten lucky in these past three weeks of working a program which helps to remove the cravings of drug use, thus bringing much clarity around my reality. I’ve received extra, easy work and continue to meet strangers whose presence is comforting and whose messages hit like therapy.

I’ve also hit major lows at inopportune times, acting erratic and immature as I process heavy emotions rather escaping them by getting high.

As I replay my 20’s, I see how my behaviors conflict with the beliefs I hold for my future, how devious my designs have been - drawing stories of deception to support my compulsive actions. Now it’s time to erase the ease of using drugs which set me stoned in comfortability. It’s time to open up a blank page, and rewrite my story.

I want so much of this short life we’ve been given. I hold an abundance of ambition which can paralyze my decisions. But I’ve learned that we can’t decide on something that’s happening next week or next year, we can only make plans for today. I’ve learned that small, steady steps lead to big change.

During the meeting about life’s (natural) highs and lows, someone shared that our feelings in sobriety seem to sing louder, but these feelings aren’t facts. That getting clear takes profound trust as we buckle our seatbelt while riding shotgun with god. Source is leading the way, and we can choose to have faith or stay afraid.

Sometimes life feels like we’re falling apart, even after we’ve prayed for everything to fall into place.

But that’s the thing about the feeling of falling - it’s all in the same.

About once a year, I get a strong urge to seek psychic guidance for clarity over what tf my life is becoming.

As I enter my third week of sobriety, I’m fully loaded with tools I’m *actually* using this time around as I try to stay sane: a program, a sponsor, daily prayer and meditation while connecting with sober people to remind me that I’m not alone.

I watched a testimony of someone’s “bad trip” on mushrooms who shared their thoughts on drugs and spirituality. Their compelling experience ultimately questioned god’s intent to make a substances a reason and a way to connect with source.

To paraphrase in my own reflection, I gathered that to take a drug to gain clarity on your life is like saying:

“God, I don’t think prayer or meditation is enough. I need to break through the realms of reality to get to you and let this fungus speak the truth I’m not able to figure out on my own.”

And so, as I jones for a psychic to tell what’s up with my life, I had to point out the hypocrisy of my search. I too must learn to trust god despite how hellish early recovery has been at times, as I see the mess I’ve made in my life.

Regardless, I listened to a recording with a psychic I taped in April 2020 - an “unprecedented” time in all of our lives. The psychic told me that this is a period where we can choose fear or we can choose faith. Woof.

We can choose faith or fear so today I’m continuing to pray for miracles and believe that what’s best for me will come when god decides. I’ll stay sober today because I know that what’s right for me including seismic change will come in time.

All we can do is stay present and have hope when we feel beat down. But hope isn’t all sunshine and rainbows - just like this rock, there’s still s**t that drops on us when we least expect it.

I’m here to feel all the emotions I’ve repressed. To see the s**t stains I’ve overlooked or tried to wash away. All I can do is work my program of recovery, and stay sober today 💩🫶

I want to apologize to my sixteen year old self, who was strong and determined to work hard for obtaining her dreams.

She was resilient to peer pressure, above the influence of drugs and drinking.

I’m sorry, little Jenny - that pretty soon you’ll lose a quick 20 pounds your senior year when you get complications post wisdom teeth surgery. That attention you received was the catalyst to twelve years of anorexia turned bulimia turned compulsive over eating.

Within a year of taking this photo, you’ll start drinking. You did your best to do so responsibly. When you first try w**d - you’ll go fu***ng CRAZY. Psychosis will trigger the next five times you try pot but you don’t give up because you want to be cool like the cute guys in your dorm.

But when did you start caring about what’s cool? You’ve always been focused on your own thing : Swimming. Dreaming big things.

I’m sorry to say that you’ll do co***ne with a man who breaks your heart. I’m sorry to announce that your friends in adulthood will snort ketamine when you start admitting you need to get sober. I’m sorry you’re now 30 years old and broke because you’ve spent all your time and money jonesing for a buzz. But don’t give up. 30 isn’t very old and now you’re wise enough to know that staying clean is the only way you’ll grow.

I’m sorry young Jenny, that you’ll go down a dark path before starting recovery. But after two weeks of being clean and attending daily meetings, you’ll start to see - that god has given you *everything* to be happy. It’s just on you to live in a way that sets you free.

***
I am two weeks sober today, which is probably the longest I’ve been clean since that first drink. So much grief and resentment has come up, but I know this is part of the process. Thank you for everyone who’s been in support of me and my sobriety. Your messages and coffee dates mean everything 💕🫶

These days, I’m not calculating my posts to promote my business or gain reach. If I have a thought worth sharing, then I’ll preach. I’m working to have the same authenticity in my yoga classes, which today looked like so:

“Hi I’m Jenny, welcome to ___. While I feel obligated to share something wise, I know this obligation is stemmed from the training I had to become a yoga teacher, which is the same program that encouraged me to call out every student by name during class. But I never liked being called out in class, especially while dripping sweat with my butt in the air. Because yoga isn’t a competition, it’s a discipline, and the moment I mention someone else’s name, I take the rest of the class out of the moment to focus on someone who is ‘right’ or ‘good’.

I’m not your motivational speaker. I’m here to guide you through a practice that brings us to the present moment. What we do with our bodies is a small thread of the fabric that is woven into our path of enlightenment.”

Then we sit and breathe. We move through sequences until we lay down to be still again.

When I teach, I rarely plan a full class. I have a theme or pose in mind that we work towards - then let the rest happen.

The theme of my week has been that “god doesn’t give us what we can’t handle” and GOD, have I realized how much of what I want hasn’t happen for me because I’ve been too busy getting high. I’m not in the career of my dreams because I still need to work on ME. I’ve been floating in the woo woo, avoiding the real work of reflection and honest sobriety.

We are the sum of the five people we spend the most time with and I am a broke addict. But I’m working through my addictions by spending all my time with people who have what I want: a career and a family.

Radical change is painful. I told the students in the power class I subbed today “to join me in my regular ‘level 1’ sessions, which are more gentle but never easy.”

Nothing in life is easy and if it is, you’re most likely numbing from the pain you resist. I had a panic attack yesterday but I didn’t smoke or drink to calm myself down and instead - I meditated, I breathed. By the grace of god, I practiced what I preach.

Original content created from external images inspired by true events.

Sorry, but self-administering illicit drugs is not the best medicine, laughter is. And creative flow is in full flux when I’m clear and sober. Thus, inspiration striked juuussss before I went to bed last night when I made my first ever meme(s). I’ve been pretty numb from self-sabotage over the last few months to create much, so here’s to a wave of divine energy that’s helping me to stay focused this spring as I continue to do my thing(s) 🌟