Your Second Bloom

Life has a way of showing us what we need to work on, to continue growing.
In this messy midlife, this time of unraveling of who you were and stepping into who you're becoming, while not quite being there yet, we enter a period of growth, and growth is uncomfortable.
I've written a lot about the changes I've made in my life to bring me closer to the life I want. There's still more change to come, more growth to happen... and there always will be.
Lately I've been thinking about those anxious nights lying awake, while thoughts replay over and over in your mind, particularly the thoughts and issues that come up repeatedly. I believe they are showing us what still needs our attention. What we still need to heal and what we still need to learn.
So today's ponderings are on communication, expressing our needs, and setting boundaries.
As a woman in midlife, have you always been a people pleaser? The one who keeps the peace at home? Have you shrunk yourself to avoid causing problems?
On the surface everything looks fine, but you're carrying so much that you've never expressed, and you're exhausted from carrying it all. Maybe this shows up with your children, who are now adults, or almost adults, and you're still doing far more for them than they actually need you to. Guilty!
Or perhaps it's with your significant other. You keep meeting their needs while staying quiet about your own. You play small to keep the peace.
Or maybe it shows up at work. You go along with things that don't sit right with you. That was me too, until I couldn't do it anymore. The way things were operating no longer aligned with my values, and eventually I left.
So, where does this come from? Why do we play small, shrink ourselves, and people please?
I think a lot of it comes from insecurity, conditioning, and unhealed wounds.
In changing this the first step is to forgive yourself for the choices you've made. For all the times you've bent over backwards trying to make everyone else comfortable. You did the best you could with the awareness you had at the time. This is a time to show yourself the compassion you would show your friend.
If life keeps presenting you with situations that require you to stand up for yourself, perhaps it's time to listen. Perhaps it's time to let go of old patterns and move forward with greater self respect and clearer boundaries.
Do you ever wonder how many times you've said "it's fine" when it really wasn't? It’s easier to make yourself smaller, to swallow your feelings, not say what you really think or not ask for what you need, all in the name of keeping the peace.
I think many of us, especially women, get really good at this. We become the peacekeepers, the organisers. The ones who remember everyone's birthdays, know where everyone's lost shoes are, carry the mental load and somehow keep everything ticking along. We tell ourselves we're being kind, flexible, easy going, just helping the kids.
But sometimes, if we're honest, we're not keeping the peace at all, we're keeping ourselves quiet and that’s not helping our kids learn to be responsible or independent.
For years I thought being a good person meant not being difficult. Not asking for too much or making a fuss, not upsetting anyone. If something bothered me, I'd convince myself it wasn't worth mentioning. If I needed help, I'd figure it out myself. If I felt hurt, I'd tell myself to get over it. I became super independent.
It sounds ridiculous when I write it down and honestly quite upsetting that I didn’t learn this sooner, but somewhere along the way I started believing everyone else's needs were more important than mine. Everyone else came first.
The problem with doing that for years is that eventually it catches up with you. You start feeling resentful about things you never actually asked anyone to do or change. You feel exhausted from doing and carrying everything. You wonder why nobody notices you're struggling, but you’ve never told them you are. But guess what - people aren't mind readers! How will they know if you don’t ask them or share anything.
I know for me, some of this has come with getting older. Midlife has a way of making you question everything. You start realising how precious time is, how there’s much less left than what has already been and how do I want to spend the remaining years. How many years you've spent worrying about what everyone else thinks. How much energy you've spent trying to make everyone comfortable while feeling increasingly uncomfortable yourself.
I've realised that it's okay to speak up for what I want and need, to say actually, I need help, or that hurt my feelings, or this doesn't work for me anymore. And there has to be a middle ground between doing everything for everyone and doing nothing for anyone.
But just writing that feels uncomfortable. I think when you've spent years people pleasing, speaking up can feel like you're doing something wrong. Like you're being demanding or difficult.
I’m learning through my own therapy that I need to communicate more honestly with the people I love, particularly my kids.
Not because they've done anything wrong, more because I've realised I've spent years showing them how to look after everyone else, but not always showing them how to look after themselves.
Part of that means letting them see that I have needs too, and I'm not superhuman, that sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I need support and I don't have all the answers.
This is very much a work in progress, and some of it is brand new to me. A while back I thought I was doing the work - I would set boundaries but I let them slide, and as I mentioned at the start of this writing when things repeatedly show up or you feel resentment rising, it’s showing you what’s still not resolved and there’s more learning to do. Part of this work is learning our own communication style, and that of the important people in our lives, and teaching each other how we communicate, and what we need. With the kids it’s being more direct in requests, or they just don’t get it. Everyone is different and we need to make sure we are being heard.
I sometimes say "it's fine" when it isn't, I still avoid conversations I'd rather not have. Sometimes I don’t even realise that’s what I’ve done till after the moment has passed, but it’s not too late to go back to address this.
Old habits don't disappear overnight, but I'm learning that saying what you need isn't selfish. It's being honest, and honest relationships are far healthier than relationships built on one person shrinking themselves to keep everyone else comfortable. You can show up as the messy, real version of you.
Honestly, the people who love you need the real version of you - the one that shows up with feelings and opinions, who sometimes needs help and who takes up space. They don't need the smaller version of you that never complains, never asks for anything, or the exhausted version that carries everything alone. They need your best self showing up.

This is part of what the midlife unravelling is teaching me, how to stop shrinking, to be authentically me.
If any of this resonates with you, come on over to my group for women over 40 who want to make changes and be the person you always wanted to be https://www.facebook.com/share/g/19KsExeS3d/
Or if you’d prefer to talk one on one, you can book in here: https://jopearson.com.au/

Fear of change - I’ve written a lot about it this year. The fear of change, of uncertainty, of being uncomfortable can keep us stuck somewhere for far too long, letting the what ifs take over when you know deep down you need to do something. Here’s some more of my rambling on what I’m learning about life and change.
I remember a few years ago being so stuck and so unable to see how my circumstances could change, and that saying “ If you don’t like where you are, move. You are not a tree” made me mad. I had all the excuses, reasons it wasn’t possible from no money to move, kids too young, too disruptive, so I thought I just had to wait.
One day though it clicked or I’d had enough, and I realised I can do something, I can make changes, maybe not the huge changes I wanted but there were things I could do. I began planning how I wanted my life to be, thinking about what I wanted to spend my precious time on this earth doing, where did I want to live, how did I want life to feel etc.
Turns out making the changes is damn hard, and yes you’ll question every decision you make, and yes it’s disruptive. What I know for sure is that life is far too short to spend it feeling stuck, being where you don’t feel you belong, where you don’t want to be, being in situations that hurt you, drain you, make you feel less than. You are worth facing the fears of change and uncertainty and making the change that lights up your soul. It’s not easy and you don’t have to do it all at once, small changes in your routine can also work wonders.
So, I have moved house twice in 18 months. It’s not been an easy time. Making changes like selling the home your kids grew up in is hard. It was hard but also necessary. I was so stuck there, no room for freedom to do or be what I longed for.
This was the start of the unraveling of messy midlife that Brene Brown writes about. It wasn’t a midlife crisis as some have said. It was stopping being worried about what everyone else thinks and having the courage to live some of the adventures I wanted for myself and the kids, to show up for myself, the kids and for my dreams.
Now that’s not easy, as I’ve said previously growth and change ebb and flow, times of questioning decisions made and wondering what the f*** I’ve done.
The first house we moved to after selling up our home of 13 years was all I could get in a tough rental market and being a single parent, and it wasn’t at all what we wanted or the right location, but we took it as we needed a home. We made it work (with lots of complaining and angst from me), there were some aspects that were good, it gave us space and quiet, so much quiet, a reserve behind the house to go for walks in nature. But the house was wrong for us and stifled the kids' independence, so as soon as the lease ended I started looking again.
Meanwhile though this had given us an opportunity to have two trips overseas visiting family and friends and taking adventures on trains across Europe. Making memories with the kids before they leave the nest. Also as the lease ended my eldest did fly the nest, all the way to Canada so I know I made the right decision in choosing to travel with them while we could.
After months of looking at properties I finally saw this house for literally 5 minutes and thought this was the one. I applied and next thing it’s ours. Over the next two weeks those fears, the fear of another change, of the uncertainty, the questioning got louder and louder. Packing up again was hard, moving to a much smaller house and having to let go of many things was draining. The thought of leaving the quiet of the bush and easy walks in nature had me questioning if I’d made the right decision. My mind had me thinking it was going to be too small, too noisy and too busy an area, maybe the kids won’t like it. There’s been much overwhelm and stress as there always is with moving, and many what the f*** have I done moments, even thinking oh it’s not too bad here, even though I hated all the driving I had to do there and it felt stifling, it did give me time for introspection, maybe too much. It was time for change.

Turns out that gut feeling I had when I saw the house was right. This house feels right, it’s a small cosy house. It’s busier, noisier, and that’s ok. We all have freedom here and independence for the kids. It was the right move. It’s not all roses that’s for sure even though it’s definitely the right place for now. I can’t fit everything in, I have to declutter more, we have to compromise and share spaces more, but it all feels so much better. It’s amazing what being in a different environment can do. I and the kids are looking forward to this next chapter or our lives before they too fly the nest and I move again, facing those fears of change again….

I know this sounds simplistic, "just don't let fear stop you". I know it's not that easy, I see your worries, the things that keep you awake at 3am. This is a time to dial up the self care, self compassion, make time for periods of stillness and quiet where you can listen to your inner voice to discover what you are craving.
I am here to hold space for you while you are on this journey, please DM if this is something you need. Link to book in comments.

Last week I got the tattoo in the picture - two butterflies, symbols of growth and transformation.
I was excited and loved them so much to begin with, then slowly started second guessing my decision. Should I have got them where no one else can see them, and have I really grown enough to warrant the beautiful butterfly….
A good friend reminded me that I had them put on my arm so I could see them to remind myself in times when I needed it of that growth and strength.
Also what I realised is growth is not linear. It’s easy to think all is well and you’re healed while things are good, but when life throws some curve balls at you and you’re once again out of your comfort zone, you’re thrown right back into the messy middle of growth. Sometimes we need to go back into the cocoon for a bit to process and prepare for what’s next. There is no end to growth, we are always moving towards changing and growing. At least that’s what this midlife time seems to be for me.
And now again I love my butterfly tattoo and what they represent and I’m happy for them to be seen, and for my little reminder of strength when I need it.

Thank you .k_nuneztattoo for my first tattoo! I love them 😍 🦋

Journalling is such a powerful tool for bringing clarity and really helps to support your emotional wellbeing.
But do you ever find yourself resisting it? I did for a long time. I knew it could shift the way I looked at things, and yet I still avoided actually sitting down and writing. Even something simple like gratitude felt too hard. There was something about putting it on paper that made me question it, the inner critic comes in strong… Is this right? Is this what I’m meant to be doing? And it doesn’t look pretty enough,
I’m not good at writing, this is going to take too long.
So instead, I’d just keep everything in my head. But it’s getting it out of our heads that brings clarity.
One day I just decided to get over myself and do it. Once I started, the words actually came pretty easily. It really wasn’t that hard and didn’t take too long. My writing was messy as I wrote fast without stopping to think about what’s next, but it doesn’t matter, it's not for anyone else. And now it’s my go to practice whenever I have things to process.
One thing that helped me get started especially when I knew I needed to get things out but didn’t know how, was to write as if I was talking to someone, perhaps talking to a friend as if they were there.
You know those conversations we have in our heads when we’re walking or in the shower? (movement really does help thoughts flow.) Write like that. Just let it come out the same way it would in your mind. I promise, it starts to flow.
Another thing I found helpful was using loose A4 pages instead of a journal. A book sometimes felt too restrictive, especially when I had a lot to get out. Loose pages gave me more freedom and took away any pressure to write neatly or make it look nice.
That said, I’d still recommend dating your pages as it’s nice to look back and see how things have shifted over time.
If you’re feeling a lot and want to make sense of it, try starting with:
I’m afraid because…
I’m angry because…
I’m frustrated because…
I’m sad because…
Just let whatever comes up come out. Your headspace will thank you for it.

Finding Your Way Back to Yourself through Self-Compassion in Midlife
There comes a point in many women’s lives when life as we know it begins to change. Children grow more independent or leave home, careers evolve or stall, health issues relating to hormonal changes with perimenopause, relationships change, and the roles that once defined you begin to change. Midlife can be messy, it can feel like standing at a crossroads, both unsettling and full of possibility.
In this time of transition, one thing is often missing and that is kindness toward ourselves.
So many women come to counselling with an inner voice that is critical, judging, demanding, and unforgiving to themselves. “I should have done more.” “I’m behind.” “I’m not enough.” These thoughts are so automatic, we’ve told them to ourselves so much, and they even feel justified. But they’re not the truth—they’re habits.
Self-compassion helps us see and handle difficulties differently. At its core, self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same understanding and care you would offer a close friend. It doesn’t mean avoiding responsibility or pretending everything is fine. It means acknowledging your struggles without judgment and recognising that imperfection is part of being human.
In midlife, this practice becomes especially powerful. You may be navigating loss, grief, identity shifts, changing bodies, or behaviour patterns that no longer serve you. Instead of pushing through with criticism, becoming aware of that inner critic and using self-compassion invites you to pause and ask: What do I need right now?

Sometimes the answer is rest or setting a boundary, and sometimes it’s allowing grief or uncertainty without trying to fix it immediately. This is hard I know and something I need to work at constantly. Listening mindfully to ourselves and being supportive of ourselves, showing ourselves warmth and kindness can help us navigate times of pain.
Research shows that self-compassion is linked to greater emotional resilience, reduced anxiety, and improved wellbeing.
Some ways to start showing yourself self-compassion include:
Noticing your inner voice—would you speak to a friend that way?
When things go wrong, try saying: This is hard, and I’m doing the best I can.
Give yourself permission to be a work in progress.
Midlife is a chance to redefine what success means to you, to reconnect with yourself and to move forward to your next chapter with clarity and care. Begin with kindness to yourself.

DM me to learn more about how to fight back to your inner critic.

Often people become counsellors because of challenges they’ve experienced in the past. This is known as “the wounded healer”, and that is exactly why I have become a counsellor. I draw on my past experiences to hold space for you free of any judgement. I have been there needing help, needing someone supportive to listen while and guide while I process the challenges, leading to being able to see a way through. If you need someone to support you through the messy midlife issues and challenges please send me a DM. I am here for you.

Many women say they feel lost in midlife — often because they’ve outgrown who they once were. Or maybe you thought you wanted something and now you're just not sure. We go through so much in our first 50 years, from growing up with dreams of what our life will be, to relationships that don’t turn out to be what you thought it would, to great relationships, to kids, no kids, kids leaving home, careers, toxic work environments, pushing, striving, giving, loss and grief, perimenopause, menopause, and finance and cost of living pressures. Is it any wonder we sometimes lose ourselves along the way, and then midlife comes and shouts at us to find who we are and what we like and need now after all that we’ve experienced shapes who we are now. One step at a time, we explore our wants and needs for this next part of lives and grow into our second bloom.