15/06/2026
Orienting.
It's been four months since we last came to the "ocean".
During the last trip, the littlest one was just getting used to the big changes in her life, with the trip to the "ocean" as a foundational experience in her life.
Then, she was more tentative with the sand and the sea. Today, she walks and runs along the beach and into the water without a care in the world.
Indeed the 2/1/2 yo has encountered so many new experiences within the past couple of months; she has developed a stronger sense of self, she has grown in her attachment to all four of us in the family, and she has become more confident in how she relates to others and to the world around.
Gordon Neufeld calls this process "orienting". In the book "Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers", a book he wrote with Gabor Mate, Neufeld says it's important to "locate oneself in space and time". This means we need to find our bearings not only physically, but psychologically as well.
For W, our family has become a "compass point", a frame of reference that has provided her with security and stability. She refers to us as "My Mummy", "My Daddy", and "My Kor Kors". She grabs Sue's hair each night and holds on to it as she sleeps. She snuggles up to me on the sofa and hugs me tightly. She clings on to her big Kor Kors and piggybacks them from one end of the shophouse to another.
Orienting is so important to the foster kids and children who have undergone trauma. In a world where there is no constant; in a world where abuse and neglect are the order of the day, kids need to constantly orient themselves to feel safe. And the process of locating themselves in time and space is a reassuring one.
As parents we need to serve as a compass point for our kids. When they are feeling unsafe, we have to serve as their reassurance. Only then can they develop healthily and holistically.
For little W, she has found her anchor. And we are so happy for her.
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